TheDecisionToListen

Everything that happened between you and me was a never ending story doing its best to send me a message that I refused to acknowledge. A message that told me it was impossible for me to hold you in my arms and look into your eyes the way two people destined for each other always did in Hollywood.
But I didn’t want to listen.

Voices in the back of my mind told me to give up and walk away. In convincing tones, phantoms from the inner depths of my mind were telling me to turn around and head in the opposite direction from the way you were inevitably reaching out towards me ,if only to stab my heart with an already bloody knife.
But I didn’t want to listen.

I was never supposed to fall for you but I held on to romantic little fantasies that I thought must happen. Willing my thoughts into creation in order to lose myself in daydreams where you and me turned into us. Without the slightest hint of lust, we were finally together and every single thing in the world fell into place and it was just…perfect.
A world I constructed from my deepest wishes and desires as I imagined you sitting by yourself and thinking of me…though I knew I was only wishing that mental picture into existence. It’s much more likely that I was doing all the work to magnetize two souls and personalities that were destined to be on opposite ends of the universe.
Though I kept telling myself that this was true and you wanted us to be together as much as I did…even more. That there was even the slightest chance that it would work out how I pictured the future with the sun in the sky…and you as the center of my universe.
Time and time again, the truth would drift in to my wandering thoughts…but I didn’t want to listen

Then I persuaded myself to accept reality and I shook the cage that held the inner confines of my sanity and convinced myself to open my ears and listen.
Listen to every little thing I never wanted to hear.
Open up the eyes I closed shut and look in the mirror.
Part my lips and be honest with myself, speaking words that I knew were always true but I decided to hide in the darkest shadows beside an image of you.
Start breathing through my nose and detect the scent of broken dreams and a crushed heart similar to the metallic tang of blood and a hint of wasabi.
Perceive that the chance I was willing to take was never there and I was gambling my future on a cause that never existed with my heart as collateral.
And it hurts even more because you never said you were sorry…and you never will.

Because every little consequence I suffered because of my unreasonable infatuation hurt me as much as it didn’t affect you. Never will you understand how deep each cut the blade of your indifference cut through veins that run deeper than the physical.
You’ll never see me grimace in pain from invisible wounds. And to shed a tear is too much to ask from me as the cold shoulder you gave me has already frozen whatever drop of water would eventually run down my right cheek.

Then I started to pay attention to silent signs you were sending that meant we were never going to be.
Because I always say never, and never ever say forever.
Though I have come to believe that in a past life, I must have surrendered my soul for an eternity of being together with you…if only in my own mind. Though that may sound pathetic…I have accepted it as a part of the world where ‘us’ will always be U and I.
Always apart and never together. But only this time, I’m listening.